I generally feel that toddlers are quite misunderstood. The thought of the "terrible 2s" gives several mothers jitters.
But the more I examine toddlers and their brain – the more I notice that the image of toddlers as very little monsters making an attempt to govern their folks with their tantrums – should change!
After abundant deliberation, expertise and analysis, I’ve come to the conclusion that toddlers are peaceful, playful and happy, if their desires are met.
Unmet needs lead to disruptive behavior in toddlers.
- Pam Leo, Connection Parenting
Well, that’s true of all humans. However what adds to the challenge with toddlers is their inability to speak yet as adults do.
So, the onus is on the elders to decipher their toddlers needs and fulfill consequently, it’s nearly like making an attempt to browse someone’s mind. And yes, it’s hard.
To make it a little easier for parents, I’ve put together the top 6 most important needs of a toddler.
The six basic needs of a toddler are:
Health, Attention, Power, Predictability, Inclusion and Evolution + A little Fun & Play infused in everything.
Fulfilling these needs on a daily basis, make and keep your toddler HAPPIE.
When your toddler seems 'out of order', check for the missing need and see how you can fulfill it.
Let me explain these needs in more detail.
This aspect relates to the physical well-being of your toddler.
Think:
All of us crave for attention from our loved ones. For kids, attention means your ‘undivided’ positive time & presence. So, if you are near your child expecting her to play with her toys, while you are glued to your phone – that does not count as attention for them.
When kids feel a lack of positive attention from you, that’s when they knowingly or unknowingly resort to negative behaviour that is sure to get your attention!
So, take time out when you can indulge with your toddler one-to-one personally, give them special time with hugs, cuddles, story time and play. When their cup of attention is full, you will notice they drift away slowly, and will leave you alone to tend to your own work.
Think:
When you’re a kid whose life is mostly controlled by an adult, you will at some point feel POWERLESS. As a fact, nobody likes to feel powerless! As parents, we must learn to respect our child’s need for power. Most of us have been raised by authoritarian parents, and so subconsciously we believe that elders know better, and kids are not really capable of doing things themselves, making choices. We feel that if a kid is given too much power or control, they will get spoiled or take us for a ride. Well, ‘too much’ power is bad – but age-appropriate power is necessary for your child.
It is when a child feels powerless, that he tries to snatch the power from you by rolling on the floor wailing at top decibel, forcing you to buy him the lollipop that he demanded!
On the other hand, giving age-appropriate choices is a good way to help your toddler experience power that she can manage. For example, “Do you want to have the lollipop, or do you want us to take you to the park after shopping?” (Give choices where you are fine with whatever your child chooses.)
Creating spaces with the house where your child can explore unrestricted (without you constantly saying, “No, don’t do that!”) also gives the child a sense of positive power.
Think:
Knowing what will happen in our lives gives us a sense of power, doesn’t it?
The same is true with toddlers. Predictability in their daily schedules, in your responses and reactions gives them a much-needed sense of power, stability, familiarity and calm. That’s why, establishing routines, responding to similar requests or behaviour in a consistent manner helps!
When every next moment is unpredictable, anxiousness is bound to arise – which can easily trigger any of the alarm systems that result in tantrums/aggressive behavior.
A sudden change in routine like a new daycare/playschool, change of residence, change in caregiver will need to be handled with care, by gently preparing the toddler mentally much in advance of the change. Also, try to bring in the change gradually, if possible – For example, instead of starting the 1st day of daycare with 4 hours straight, start with just 1 hour.
Transition from one activity to the next can sometimes be difficult, like ending bathtime and getting dressed. So, before the end of bathtime, explain to your toddler what will come next, and how much fun that is going to be!
Think:
How do we feel when people whom we adore & admire, refuse to include us in their plans? Well, for toddlers, they admire & adore us – they want to be like us. And so, they want to participate in all that we do, they want to feel included.
That’s why, when we constantly keep telling them, “You can’t do this”, or “You can do this when you grow up.”, it reiterates their feeling of smallness/powerlessness. It can be frustrating, which if bottled up can erupt as tantrums.
Do your best to include your toddler in your routine activities, they love to ‘help’.
As long as the activity is safe, find smaller versions of the huge task that they can manage.
Appreciate their ‘efforts’, however avoid praises like ‘You’re such a good boy!”. Such praises tell the child nothing about themselves. Rather a more helpful praise is, “I am happy you helped me dry these clothes. Thank you.” Your toddler will swell with pride, and that’s good for building her self-esteem and confidence.
Think of your toddler as your ‘partner’, they love it! Your work might slow down a bit, but it sure is worthwhile, helping them gain life skills and also connect with you deeply.
Think:
Progress is essential for humankind, and hence it is hardwired within us. There is a dire need within all of us to keep learning, gain mastery, discover new things, explore and evolve.
Likewise, toddlers constantly want to learn, explore and gain mastery. By helping your toddler fulfill this need for constant growth, progress and evolution – you will not only help him hone necessary life-skills, but also build her inner spirit with self-confidence & self-esteem.
Giving your toddler age-appropriate tasks, letting her explore by herself, helping her when she needs or asks for help, encouraging her to try when she fails, and accepting her stance when she does not want to try anymore – are simple ways to fulfill your child’s inner need for progress & mastery.
Think:
So, the next time, you have an aggressive or unhappy toddler – think what’s making him/her unHAPPIE!
Hope this article helps you with some of your daily struggle. Happppie Parenting. 🤗